كيفية قول لا: نصائح لزيادة ثقتك بنفسك

'Sorry, but no.' A simple sentence, but oh so difficult to say. Many people are raised with the idea that you have to be nice, say yes when someone asks for something and adapt to others. While saying no can save us so much, like a lot of time. This is how you turn polite refusal into a pleasant habit. Why is saying no so hard? Why do you still manage to put a smile on your face and squeeze out a 'yes, fine' or 'okay' when you feel like you don't really have the time, energy or desire?

'In the short term, saying no creates more tension than saying yes,' according to industrial and organizational psychologists. 'You feel less guilty, the relationship with the person you are asking remains good, and the chance of conflict is small.'

Every time we say no to someone – whether it’s an invitation to a party, a request from our partner or a question at work – there’s a risk of an unpleasant reaction from the other person. Many people tend to feel guilty when they say no. Most people therefore choose the short-term benefits of saying yes. Saying no is allowed. In the long term, giving in all the time will cause you much more trouble.

You may start to feel irritable or depressed. And with a bit of bad luck, you may also come across as unreliable to others because you simply cannot please everyone and meet all the demands. You say yes, but do something halfway, or too late. Avoiding saying no can lead to psychological complaints, conflicts and disappointed relationships in the long term. The trick is to say no without feeling guilty.

Not selfish 

It's a downward spiral that starts with meeting other people's needs at the expense of your own, and ends up being too tired to care for anyone else—including yourself. Saying yes to one thing automatically means saying no to something else. There is simply limited time and energy. So it is important to become aware of what you are actually saying no to when you say yes again.

If you take on too much work or have too many appointments outside the home, you are saying no to your own health or well-being, no to quality time with your partner or child, no to your sleep. Things that may actually be very important to you.

The good news is that you can make saying no a pleasant habit, something you feel entitled to do instead of something you fear. Setting boundaries is not selfish. Someone who is more balanced themselves becomes kinder, more open, more understanding and more generous to others.

How it works 

Step 1: prepare your refusal

Before you start saying no, it is important to know what you want to say yes to wholeheartedly. Anyone who is not yet convinced of his no inside, comes across as unclear. That lack of clarity leads to others continuing to try you. It is easier to turn something down when you are clear about why you can't or don't want to do it, and what your priorities are.

Try to gain insight into your behavior. Ask yourself what you would like to do and experiment with that. Don't overdo your assertiveness by saying “no” to everything: consciously choose what you do or don't want. This I learn you in our therapy sessions: awareness.

Structure your life

A good exercise to learn to say no is to set rules that you know you need to stay calm, fit and happy. For example: don't go out more than two nights a week because you'll get tired and moody. Make a note of fixed times in your calendar for things that you find important and that you need; not just work tasks, but also time for family, sports, administration or walking.

That makes it immediately visible when you are or are not available. And it also makes it easier to say: then I already have something else. Even if that is an evening in the bath with your favorite music. If you are available, think about every request: do I want this, or am I doing this mainly because I think I should? Will this bring me pleasure?

Keep it short 

Most people attach a whole explanation to their no. But that comes across as less firm. And in our culture it sometimes even causes annoyance because it seems defensive. We are afraid that a simple no will come across as rude, so we beat around the bush. But it is more effective not to waste too many words on it.

No at work

With requests from peers – friends, family, colleagues – it is a bit different than with requests from your employer, Abrahamse emphasizes. Often it concerns assignments and then it is more difficult to simply say no. You will then have to negotiate; for example, say that you cannot do everything that is asked of you and ask your boss what other task you can drop.

Give yourself the right to refuse requests. And give the other person the right to be disappointed for a moment. But remember that you are not responsible for the other person's feelings. You are not there to meet their needs. The more you practice saying no, the easier it will be to see this.

No, but with respect 

Always say no in a respectful way. You can disagree with someone on the content, but still maintain a good relationship with that person. For example, say: 'You are a good friend, but I notice that I find it annoying when you call me every day to ask for advice.'

Dare to take risks in this. What is the worst that can happen: that someone doesn't want to see you anymore? If you have respectfully indicated your boundaries, you can ask yourself what your loss is. Some friends don't fit your assertive version. They may have found you a nice friend mainly because you said yes to everything.

If necessary, you can offer an alternative; suggest someone else, a later time, or other – for yourself pleasant – conditions. But if the other person continues to insist, repeat your no. If the person still doesn't understand, say what you think of that behavior and end the conversation.

Stand behind your decision 

After your rejection, try to focus on the positive effects of your decision, rather than on guilt or regret. And definitely don't do it halfway because you feel bad for the other person. Focus on the positive effects such as: you are better rested, time became available for something more fun or important, you stood up for yourself.

Message received 

If the other person reacts offended, that means that your message is getting through. You can say: 'I understand your disappointment'. But the other person's feelings are ultimately not your problem, but theirs. Practice makes perfect when saying no. But be aware: The perfect no, which will free you from all requests forever, does not exist. Ultimately, it's about being aware of your short-term and long-term needs. If you simultaneously have an eye for the other person's interests, negotiating is sometimes part of it; as long as you are able to properly guard your own interests.'

…and these are all 21 ways to say no:

1. Vague, but effective"Thanks for the invitation, but I won't be able to make it."

2. It's not personal'Thanks for your question, but I'm not doing anything besides […] at the moment'

3. Try again later"I would like to, but I am not available until August. You can ask me again then."

4. Should I ask […]?'I can't do that for you, but I can ask if […] could maybe do it.'

5. Keep trying"I can't make these dates, but I would still like to see you. Do you have any other options?"

6. Try it spontaneously"It doesn't fit into my schedule this month, but I'd like to do it sometime. Will you call me just before you go again?"

7. Gratitude'Thank you so much for your enthusiasm! But unfortunately I can't help you at this time.'

8. Also think about your partner (if your children mainly bombard you with requests)"Shall we ask your father/mother to do it?"

9. Five-minute favor'I can't come, but I can help you promote it by posting it on my website/sending an email around.'

10. Just no"Thanks, but I'll have to pass on this." (And then keep your mouth shut.)

11. Elegant"I really appreciate you asking me, but I'm already taken."

12. I'm sorry“I wish I could do it, but it just isn't possible right now.”

13. Someone else decided it'I promised my coach/partner/therapist that I would not take on any new projects. I am working on creating more balance in my life.'

14. My family is the reason'Thanks for the invitation, but my son plays football and I never miss a game.'

15. I know someone else'I just don't have time right now. I can recommend someone else.'

16. I'm already taken"I appreciate you thinking of me, but I have something else to do that day."

17. Setting boundaries"I'll tell you what I can do" and stick to what feels comfortable for you.

18. Not no, but also not yes"I'll think about it and get back to you."

19. Say nothingNot all requests require a response. It feels rude to ignore a request, but sometimes that's what's best for everyone.

20. Tell all your troubles'The kids are sick, the bathroom is being renovated and I have a deadline.'

21. I'm fed up with it"I need to take care of myself right now." Make it clear that it's not personal, but that you can't do what the person is asking of you.

We know that is some cases, you're into a relationship where no isn't accepted. And every change in your behavior will not be for granted: you will face many resistance. In that case it's good to get help from a psychotherapist. Book an appointment on our website, or by WhatsApp 01070806656.